Healthy and unhealthy relationships

Relationships are an important part of our lives. They can be with partners, family members, friends and people we meet online. Every relationship is different, but healthy relationships should help people feel safe, respected, valued and supported.

Healthy relationships are built on respect, trust, kindness and being able to be yourself. They are not always perfect, and disagreements can happen. However, people should feel able to express their thoughts and feelings, make their own choices and spend time with the people who matter to them without fear of being controlled, pressured, threatened or frightened.

Not every unhealthy relationship is abusive. However, if someone's behaviour regularly makes you feel frightened, controlled, isolated, pressured or unable to make your own choices, this may be a sign of domestic abuse.

What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour used by one person to gain power and control over another person within an intimate relationship or between family members. It can affect anyone, regardless of age, gender, sexuality, ethnicity or background.

Domestic abuse is not always physical. It can involve one type of abuse or several different types, either at the same time or at different points in a relationship. Different types of abuse are often used together as part of a wider pattern of control.

• Physical abuse - such as hitting, kicking, punching, choking, pushing, spitting or preventing someone from accessing food, medication or other basic needs.
• Sexual abuse - such as pressuring, coercing or forcing someone into sexual activity, unwanted sexual touching or sharing intimate images without consent.
• Financial abuse - such as controlling someone's money, preventing them from working, stealing from them or taking out loans or credit in their name.
• Emotional abuse - such as persistent criticism, humiliation, intimidation, insults, blaming someone for things that are not their fault or deliberately isolating them from family, friends or support.
• Psychological abuse - such as gaslighting, manipulating someone into questioning their memory or reality, denying events that have happened or setting impossible expectations that undermine confidence and independence.

Pregnancy, children and young people

Domestic abuse can begin or become more severe during pregnancy. Pregnancy can also make it harder for someone to seek help or leave an abusive relationship, particularly if they are worried about their safety, housing, money, family circumstances or the impact on their baby.

Abuse during pregnancy can create additional risks for the pregnant person and their unborn baby, including risks to physical and emotional wellbeing. Confidential specialist support can help someone think through their situation, understand their options and make a safety plan where needed.

Children and young people who see, hear or experience the effects of domestic abuse are victims in their own right under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021.

Domestic abuse can affect children and young people in different ways. It can affect how safe they feel, their emotional wellbeing, behaviour, education, trust in others and future relationships. Some children may become frightened, anxious or withdrawn. Others may show changes in behaviour, wet the bed, run away, become angry or aggressive, have problems sleeping or experience difficulties at school.

If you are worried about how domestic abuse is affecting a child or young person, advice and support are available through specialist domestic abuse services.

Getting help and support

If any of the information on this page feels familiar, you do not have to face it alone.

IDAS is York's specialist domestic abuse service. They provide free, confidential advice and support for anyone affected by domestic abuse, regardless of age, gender, sexuality or relationship status.

IDAS can support people who are experiencing domestic abuse now, have experienced it in the past, are worried about someone else, are pregnant, or are concerned about how domestic abuse is affecting a child or young person.

IDAS can help you think through your situation, understand your options, make a safety plan where needed and access further support.

You can contact IDAS by:

• telephone: 03000 110110
• email: [email protected]
• live chat with ISA

You can also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. This is a national 24-hour helpline.

If you are in immediate danger

If you are in immediate danger, call 999 if it is safe to do so and try to get to a safe place.

Worried about your own behaviour?

If you are worried about your own behaviour towards a partner or family member, Positive Choices (+Choices) provides support for people who want to recognise, acknowledge and change abusive behaviour.

The Positive Choices programme is available to people aged 16 and over, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, who wish to voluntarily address abusive behaviour. You can contact them by telephone: 01904 557491.

If the person displaying abusive behaviour is under the age of 16, or if you are concerned about a child or young person whose behaviour may be linked to domestic abuse or other experiences of trauma, IDAS can provide advice and help you access appropriate support.